Sunday, December 1, 2013
Inspired by our sermon at church today. As usual, that's when my writing hits me. Everything in my life is centered around Coraline's teeth. So every time he mentions worry, troubles, stress, expectations, trusting God...to me it all goes back to her teeth. My only stress. My only worry. My only fear. It consumes me. It literally CONSUMES ME. I skip birthday parties, play dates, holidays with family. I'm worried what our outspoken family members will say. I worry that they will call me a neglectful mother. I worry they will make fun of my child. I worry they will post pictures and everyone on Facebook will think I'm giving my kid processed crap and juice. I worry they will think negatively on nursing. I worry they will give her self esteem problems. 24/7 this consumes my mind, my heart and my soul. This is EVERYTHING to me. I don't want it to be. I don't want this. I want her to be able to enjoy a guilt free cupcake at a peer's party. I would like a family pizza night. It would be easier on me. It would be easier on everyone. Unfortunately, I was chosen for this task. For some reason or another, there's a goal in the end.
So when we were told to circle 1-10, how much do we trust God with our troubles... How often do we say "God, I'm going to let you handle this one. I can't do it", I had to be honest with myself....2? 3? Maybe? When I pray about her teeth (which I do every day) I pray for guidance. I pray for the wisdom to come to me from outside sources. I pray for the finances to buy the supplements I need. I pray for inner peace to get me through play dates or rough nights at dinner time. I never tell God to handle it. I never put all my faith in him. I have put SO MUCH WEIGHT on my own shoulders that I am a constant ball of stress and anxiety. I have alienated my friends and family. My load is heavy. My heart is heavy.
I need you to handle this God. I just can't do it anymore. I am giving up and giving into you. You are my leader, you are my crutch, you are in control. Please, please...fix my baby. Fix her gut. Fix her allergies. Fix her mineral absorption. I don't know what else to do.
Last time I put God in control of my life was when I lost myself 2009/2010. I gave up my resentment and atheism and prayed..."something isn't working. I need help. I can not live this way any more. I can not continue with emotional abuse and this self hatred that every man in my life has ever instilled upon me. I am giving up and giving in. I need a God. I need My God. Because my life is and has always been a mess." That is when I met Hugh. That is when I met a man who has loved me unconditionally for almost 4 years. Who has never gone a day without telling me I am beautiful. I do not deserve him. I do not always appreciate him as I should. But when I do start feeling a disconnection in my marriage, if I only pray and tell God how I'm feeling, it is ALWAYS fixed ten fold. I can't explain this. God is unexplainable. Just as i trusted him to heal my lost self early 2010, I now trust in him to heal my baby.
I may be considered an ignorant sheep to liberals and the like. When it comes to religion, I understand that. I have been there. I sported my agnostic bumper sticker and shirt throughout high school. I made fun of the "bible thumping rednecks". I was also miserable in my own skin. Miserable with my home life. Miserable in my relationship. Opening my heart to God has saved my life. My expectations are I reachable because I don't know what my God has in store for my family. I just know it will be great.
And if the only thing I have to worry about is my daughter's teeth, I would say I'm living a pretty blessed life.